Almost a year later, I'm returning to this project. Like so many of my other projects, this one has kinda sat dormant a month after launch while I focused on the next thing. I'm going to make an effort to at least write something once a week on here again. 50 entries until next summer. Let's see if I get to 25.

So much has happened since last year, but as I'm writing I can only remember the last few months. R and I broke up again, which was rough at first. Our relationship as it stands now feels like friendship, if not a deep mutual respect and trust. We talk every once in a while, mostly about family and art practices. It feels nice but delicate.

I stopped going to therapy after I found out my insurance wasn't being accepted. Had to pay a few thousand dollars all at once which was frustrating. What's the point of paying Aetna $400 a month if I also have to pay my therapist $400 a month??? Feeling disillusioned by that whole experience. I'm about to start up again with David on a monthly basis, paying out of pocket for the whole thing.

The new job at C***b*** is exciting. "Art director", whatever that means. M and I talk a lot about titles, rates, and the state of the industry. We've come to the conclusion that titles are meaningless and every job does every task in most orgs. That seems mostly correct. The work is interesting though, which is more than I could say about the previous few roles I've taken on. Getting to just cook on graphics and web layouts all day without having to think about budget or limits is genuinely freeing. It feels like I can just apply the techniques I've been using in my personal practice and make them larger than life.

Sobriety is going well, all things considered. 1332 days at the time of writing. I'm glad I still go to meetings and see newcomers so I never feel like I've got this thing. I know I don't got it. So so so immensely grateful for the the fellows and friends I've made over these past few years, especially in the past year alone. I've gotten so close to G, M, W, B and I feel so lucky to have their love and support. They have mine.

I can't stop thinking about C. I'm genuinely fucked up over the whole thing. Trying to keep it from affecting my current relationship but it's hard. I'm comparing and despairing but in a different way. Imagining fake scenarios and playing back real ones. Can't wait to start therapy again. All of my friends have been super supportive and provide immense wisdom around this thing. T has also been very helpful in providing some context. The context maybe caused more confusion in me but getting a lay of the land is always useful.

I'm going to try and channel this confusion, fear, hope, and love into something nice over the next few days. Trying to be of service as much as possible and somehow try to stay on top of all of the work I keep agreeing to (what's up with that??). To myself, I hope you have a beautiful Tuesday.

Gratitude list:

- grateful god woke me up sober today

- my friends

- phone calls all the time

- the ability to genuinely care about and help others

- newcomers

- my sponsor

- my sponsee

- my family is in good health and they're reasonably happy

- trusting others

- hope

- ambient music